I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize