And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
