Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
