At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
