The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize