looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
