I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
