just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
