life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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