you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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