College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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