so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
