if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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