Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
