come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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