I accidentally had phone sex last night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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