cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
