Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
