Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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