strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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