When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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