You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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