They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
