mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
