Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize