whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
