I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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