I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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