I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
