just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
