You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
