Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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