I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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