Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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