I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize