Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
