"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
