Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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