I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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