I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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