I think I won the penis lottery.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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