just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
