Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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