May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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