I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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