saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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