we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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