You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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