I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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