What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
