He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
