I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize