you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
