I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
