chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just had sex on a roof
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
