weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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