Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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