I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
