i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
